I Am Worth It

Sometimes it's easy, sometimes not so much.  Yesterday was pre-planned Christmas festivities which involved eating my whole days worth of calories at lunch (oops).  The previous day, completely self-inflicted.  I almost made bad choices tonight, but I realized that I needed to stop.  I am worth it.

I haven't made it much further into Choose More, Live More for Life.  I am trying to remember that I am worth it though and I think I am going to start another promise (or two).  Since I last wrote, I have had time to think about the promises the book recommends and I am going to change one of them (one for now, there could be more changes later).

Food Promises -- I will:

1) Eat at least one serving of veggies every day

2) Drink water before every meal

3) Eat protein at every meal Eat from a salad plate instead of a dinner plate.

Body Promises -- I will:

1) Exercise for five minutes a day

2) ?

3) ?

Mind Promises -- I will:

1) Look myself in the mirror every day and say, "I'm worth it" ✔

2) Forgive myself for one failure a day

3) Set small weekly goals instead of big, long term goals

My next promises  from this list will be to exercise for five minutes a day, eat from a salad plate, and I should add that I need to forgive myself for one failure a day, especially during this festive season.  I do promise to kick my own ass into gear as soon as the holidays are over. . .although I do have a trip to Vegas planned in January.

 

Fall, Not Fail

I have started reading Chris Powell's Choose More, Live More for Life.  He says "We only fail when we lose belief...give up...stop trying".  I have not failed!  I have not given up, I have not stopped trying...I may have gotten off track but I have always come back to my goal.

In chapter two Chris asks you to make promises to yourself and write them down so I'm writing them here.  Now, because I've been on my journey for quite some time now, many of the suggested promises are already a regular part of my journey. Here are the promises I have chosen:

Food Promises -- I will:

1) Eat at least one serving of veggies every day

2) Drink water before every meal

3) Eat protein at every meal

Body Promises -- I will:

1) Exercise for five minutes a day

2)

3)

Mind Promises -- I will:

1) Look myself in the mirror every day and say, "I'm worth it"

2) Forgive myself for one failure a day

3) Set small weekly goals instead of big, long term goals

As you can see, I have left some blanks.  Maybe I will fill them in later but I haven't decided which ones I want to include yet.  That's okay because the book advises that from among the promises that I have chosen, to choose one to start and concentrate on that, then add another and another and so on.

I have chosen Mind Promise #1, look myself in the mirror every day and say, "I'm worth it".  The book does say you can tweak the promise to your situation so what I have done is set a reminder in my phone and three times a day it pops up and reminds me that I'm worth it.  And I smile every time it does.

I'm also trying to remember to drink water before every meal and exercise at least five minutes a day.

I look forward to reading the rest of the book to see if I can apply any more of Chris's transformation secrets to my own journey.  For a start, I am much happier to call my failures "falls" instead as it doesn't sound as harsh and it really does make me feel better about my missteps!

Powell, Chris. Choose More, Live More, for Life. Hachette Books, 2013

 

Guilt

I am feeling guilty to the point that I could let the tears escape if I wanted to. 

Yesterday wasn't my best day.  My daily goal is a 250 calorie deficit.  I ended with a 30 calorie deficit and a plan to be good until Saturday.  Today I planned a large, Greek salad lunch, with plenty of veggies to keep me full all afternoon.  It was a success.  However, I let the work stress get to me, as much as I have been trying not to let it get to me. 

 

My Mom wanted to go to our favorite burger and fry place for dinner and I said yes.  Then I ate the burger and fries.  My Dad passed away six years ago and I know my Mom is lonely as my sister moved away, my Mom's brother moved away, and my Grandmother is in a personal care home and has dementia.  She has friends but doesn't socialize as often as I would like her to so I don't like saying no (I do sometimes).  The restaurant is a local favorite and totally worth the extra calories but I still feel guilty for eating my feelings.

Why would I cry about eating?

I should be stronger, I should be able to go out to eat and choose to eat healthy.  I am a grown woman and I am perfectly capable of choosing properly.  I don't even want to say I'm weak as that is a poor excuse for the choices I made.  The fact is that I made the choice, I have to live with the choice.  Maybe the guilt will push me to make the right choice next time.  I can't let it define me.  I need to build from it.  I need to use it to make me stronger.

 

 

And I just realized that this blog is my therapy!

 

As I typed through that last paragraph my personal sadness became anger.  It was kind of a strange feeling actually.  I'm angry at myself for making the bad choices.  And I should be.  I should be stronger, I can make better choices, I must make better choices!  I am capable of saying no. . .to myself!

 

And I am reminded. . .

 

 

♥



Zero Progress

Despite being better then I had planned last week, progress was zero.  It is possible that my results are effected by PMS so I can only hope to see results next week. . .presuming I can control the eating part.

Last week the planned lunch date was cancelled, and the hockey game hot dog was balanced off with a great rest-of-the-day, so it turned out pretty well.  I still had my planned "bad" Friday dinner plans, and I was bad.  Other then that the food cravings (or wanting) wasn't there.  Today has been a different story which again leads to possible PMS.  I'm not craving, just continually hungry.  I'm going to take extra fruit and veggies to work tomorrow to compensate as I can't afford another day like today.

I can't believe December is just around the corner. With December comes all the Christmas goodies and gatherings.

 

 

The first gathering is this Saturday (not quite December), a lunch, which will be my planned "bad" day for this week (again, PMS is creeping in so hopefully it's the only bad one).  Next week is a work lunch, the week after is two work lunches!  Two? How is that to work when I only have one bad day?!?  One of the two lunches is a buffet (horror!) and the other is pizza. Ugh!  

Our regular work baker says she's not baking this year but I only half believe her, and the other semi-regular baker had surgery and I'm not sure she'll be back soon.  I'm hoping that I will be able to resist the other various treats that appear as I have been fairly successful during the last two Christmas seasons.  I admit it now though, I would not be able to resist a Nanaimo bar!  That treat I will allow!

 

 

Signs (of Temptation)

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign. . .a sign for a Mushroom Mozzarella Burger, a sign for a Portabella Mushroom Melt, a sign for something that looks delightfully sinful.  The thought flutters through my mind, I could go through the drive-thru and get something and no one would know.  I would know.  And the thought passes and I'm not even disappointed.

 

My Tuesday lunch plans were cancelled due to meetings at work.  I still grabbed lunch at the mall food court across the street, but made a fairly good choice of a (fabulous) pita.  One less "bad" day to compensate for, yay!  The work meeting I attended has potential to invoke a whole lot of stress.  I'm trying to take it in stride but I am worried about my ability to keep the stress under control.  Hopefully my renewed commitment is stronger than the cravings.

 

 

 

I am still not motivated to add exercise back into my schedule.  I know it would make a tremendous difference on my hip pain and joint stiffness but somehow I just can't get my ass in gear.  I will remain happy without exercise though as long as I can keep my eating in check but eventually I do hope to get some added back to my routine.

Ready? Possibly

I think I really was ready again.  I know it hasn't been quite a week since I thought I was ready so how could I know, but I have been completely in control.  I don't know yet if I will see results, and I may not.  We had a fabulous work Christmas party yesterday and I went into the day knowing full well that it would be bad, mostly due to the alcohol that I intended on consuming!

This coming week will prove to be a bit more challenging.  I have a lunch "date" on Tuesday, a hockey game (which will involve a delightfully sinful hot dog) on Thursday, and then a dinner "date" on Friday.  Tuesday and Thursday should be fairly easy to balance but Friday will be my bad day.  I always allow myself one bad day so I am still feeling quite positive about this coming week.

I do suppose that the past work week was non-stressful, which was helpful.  The real challenge will be when the stress level picks back up. . .and I hope that's a long way away. (I can dream, can't I?)

Another Day One

And here I am again.  Feeling guilty for weeks but not willing to commit.  Making bad choices and not caring, thinking I will care another day.  

I realized I was in serious trouble when I started eating chips right out of the bag.  If you don't know my habits, one of my big ones is that if I'm going to eat junk it is measured into one serving and that is all I eat.  So when I found myself eating out of the bag, I knew I was in trouble.  It ended last night by ordering and eating a small pizza all by myself.

So I decided, today was another Day One.

I can't say yet if it will last.  I know at this moment that I really want it to.  I have had so much trouble with stress eating due to work that I can't say that I won't immediately fall off the wagon.  However, right now, today, I am choosing to have another Day One and I will have as many Day One's as it takes to get back on track.

Another Detour

Last week was pretty good.  This week, not so much!  It's a reminder of how hard it can be to start a weight loss journey.  

It's so easy for people to judge another person for being overweight but they don't realize what actually losing weight requires.  If you're not mentally in the game then it's far easier said than done.  

My biggest peeve, and maybe I have said it before, is people who used to be overweight themselves looking down on someone who is overweight now.  Maybe their own weight loss journey was easier, or maybe they forget how long it took them, and maybe they forget that they had some struggles along the way.  It's not easy.  If it was easy then there would be far less overweight people.  It has huge mental involvement, and just because they did it doesn't mean the next person is ready to tackle the same challenges that they did.

Okay, that was an unplanned rant!  I only hope that I can find a better mental place soon so that I can continue my journey.  I may be stalled but I want to go forward and not slide backwards down that hill.

 

 

Damage, Redone

I have failed you!  I have failed me!  I fed the stress, I fed it a lot!  The sad part is that I had the will power to not feed the stress but I made the choice to feed it anyway.  Yes, it made me feel better for that moment, but it did not solve the problem.  The result, I'm right back where I started three weeks ago.

I continue on this downward spiral and I fully understand the emotional connection people have to food.  

Once upon a time. . .just kidding! My previous job was extremely stressful and I ate ALOT.  When I started my new job four years ago, it was far less stressful and for probably the first time, I could leave work smiling.  After a while I decided it was time to lose weight and I did it because I had the time to dedicate to eating properly and less stress resulting in less comfort eating.  Then I switched to a new position and initially I struggled with my eating habits.  I was stressed, I had no time to eat regularly while I was at work, so I went through a bad period.  Things settled as I learned my new job, and I was able to continue my journey.  Now the stress has hit the fan. Despite my best effort to try to stay "relaxed" as soon as my stresser shows up I find myself in a very bad place again and it's happening every day lately!  I eat!  And I eat more!  

 

So once again I am approaching Monday and planning on conquering the week.  I plan to eat well and maybe even start exercising again. . .I believe this week we will finally be getting back into our regular routines so hopefully that can lead to some normalcy.  I wish me luck!!!

 

 

Weekend Update

This post is actually from my first week back. . .I forgot to publish it last weekend!

The work week started off with a saboteur!  An innocent co-worker put a bag of six homemade peanut butter cookies on my desk on my first day back from vacation.  I had 220 emails to go through and I ate the cookies!   They were there, I was hungry, I was stressed, and I couldn't stop.  Okay, not couldn't, wouldn't.  Damn!

 

 

I did much better for the remainder of the week including a department lunch at a BBQ restaurant.  I was able to keep my calorie intake at reasonable amounts.  I was conscious of keeping my fluid intake to at least two litres per day (8 cups) helping my stomach to think it was full.

Yesterday, Saturday, was a bit tougher.  I tend to eat bad foods on the weekend but still try to stay in check.  T.o.m. should be visiting so not eating everything in the house was a challenge.  I did it though and despite being a pretty lazy day, I broke even on calories.

Which bring us to today.  Two pounds down, four to go.  This is okay especially because of T.o.m's visit.  If I can lose another two this week, and two more the week after then the holiday damage will be undone.

 

We did go pick out and pay for a new mattress set, which will arrive next weekend.  I hope that will help with my tiredness issues.  Also, lack of sleep raises cortisol levels, which can also lead to overeating.  (See post Stress Eating Does Exist.)  Here's hoping!

September 1, Here We Go Again

169.6. . .Oops!  Not oops, really.  I knew what I was doing and set September 1st as my end date.  I have not run since July 19th and I have been on vacation for the last two weeks so I have been carefree.  Starting today it is time to care again.

It's hard though.   Since I've been back from my trip I have been feeling my tired-achy-self again. We visited my sister, her husband, and their new babies in Vancouver.  While I was there I got up early, washed baby bottles, made breakfast, prepared dinner in the slow cooker a few times, and took my kids out for a while during the day; and I felt good.  Since I've been back I am back to horrible sleeps, not wanting to get up, and sore achy joints again.  And the dread of returning to work tomorrow.  (As I'm sure everyone wishes, I wish I didn't have to work!)

 

 

The first solution to this is to buy a new bed.  Hopefully this will alleviate the horrible sleeps and some of the achy joints.  The second solution has to be to get moving again!  I had far less trouble with my achy hips when I was running.  I am hoping the return to behaving myself will not be too difficult as I feel like I am in the right mind-set right now.

Lazy Mode

Still lazy. Well, mostly I'm tired. Always tired.  I even made a concious effort to bring my vitamins to work only to forget to take them.  Maybe if I start taking vitamins again it will help the energy level.  I don't know.

I was really good all week with food and self control. . .until Friday.  We went out for dinner and I ordered the best option for dinner, but I did share an appetizer and desert.  It wasn't a horrible day but I did go over my calorie intake.  I went over again on Saturday when we went out for poutine.  It was totally worth it though.

 

 

So then I decided.  It IS maintenance now.  I have been there for a long while now and losing 65 pounds is impressive in my own mind.  I am happy with that and not willing to make a larger effort to lose any more.

 

I do want to run again, if I ever get my ass in gear.  However, although I haven't quite made it down to 160, I'm okay with that, because it seems this is where my body is supposed to be.

 

That doesn't mean you have seen the last of me.  I still plan to pop in from time to time.  I do have holidays coming up in a couple of weeks, so you know damage will be done.  I will certainly need to come back to fix that mess!!!









Color Me R. . .Bad

Oh my! I've been bad.  Not only have I not visited to tell my stories, but I really have been bad.  I haven't even told you about Rad!

I never did make it to 5K.  The furthest I made it was to 1.75 miles.  That was five days before Rad.  

Rad arrived and thankfully a few of the people in the group I was in planned to run too.  (My partner had not trained and decided to walk with an injured group member.)  We ran where we could (the color stations bottle necked a bit so there were brief walking periods) and then, just before the 1/2 way point, I caught up to a co-worker who was walking with her daughter.  I walked a little with her then we ran, walked, and ran again. At the end, one person that had run with me said that I inspired her to run because if I was running she figured she should be too. :)

It's been downhill since then.

The whole week after I didn't exercise and I ate crap.  All those bad things that I may normally have in moderation, were not in moderation.  All those bad foods, yup, ate them too.  Pizza, wings, burgers, fries, nacos; that's what I did to myself.

And guess what?  Eating crappy leads to feeling crappy.  

I began to behave again yesterday.  I still felt bloated and icky this morning.  I ate well today and thought about running tonight but I was tired and fell asleep after supper.  I really need to go run soon though, but it's hard to motivate myself now that there isn't an end goal in sight.

104ºF: A Problem and a Solution

They say there are two seasons where I live:  Winter and Construction.  Winter brings snow and minus forty wind-chills (sadly minus forty is the same in Celsius and Fahrenheit).  Construction season brings rain and/or 40ºC (104ºF) temperatures.  And mosquitos, don't forget the mosquitos!

 

Today there was actually a heat advisory due to the temperature and humidity (along with a very short lived tornado warning).  How is one to run outdoors in these conditions?  I have two weeks before Color Me Rad and I need to be able to run outside for longer than five minutes.  I don't want to run on the treadmill because I can already run 5k on the treadmill.  I want to run on the pavement to get ready.

 

Then the solution came to me.  An indoor track!  So I found one at a recreation centre that is not too far away.  They charge for admission by day and you don't have to be a member.  Perfect!  Plus it has a pool so I was able to take my daughter and her friend and they went swimming while I went for a run.  After my run I quickly showered then went into the pool for a short while.  I am actually looking forward to going there again sometime!  12 laps equal one mile so I was able to better measure my distance.  I did two 3/4 mile runs (jogs) in place of the two eight-minute runs (jogs) as per the Couch to 5k app.  And it was great!

 

 

Where Have They Gone?

I didn't realize that it has been a week since I last posted.  I weighed myself this morning and I'm finally back to 164.  Of coarse, I will have ruined that today by eating too much pizza!

Since my last post I have done the shred DVD twice.  The push ups are hard but I've never been good at those.  There is a two-minute cardio circuit that I haven't made it all the way through yet either.  It consists of 30-seconds of jumping jacks, 30-seconds of jump rope, repeat.  I figure if I ever get through the whole workout without stopping that is when I will move to level two.  It's probably going to be a while.

It was a sad day for me on Friday. . .I bought a few new bra's. . .B-cups.  Seriously?!?  I have previously mentioned the loss in this area but it was the first time I had to buy a smaller cup.  I have so much that can go away from around the mid-section, why must my boobs go away instead?!?  I will target that mid-section by continuing the 30-Day Shred as long as my get up and go doesn't get up and leave. 

 

Oh, I have also been running outside.  Yesterday I started Couch-to-5K week four, but I think I may just skip on over to week five on my next run, it's not much of a difference.  The Colour Me Rad 5K is in 18 days!

 

Lastly, I should say, Happy Canada Day!  I will likely take a walk later to watch the fireworks!

Jell-o Legs and Pain

Starting the Jillian Michaels: 30 Day Shred on my day off from running was definitely an irrational idea.  How hard can it be?  20 minutes, no problem. . .(I now know why people throw up on the Biggest Loser).

That Jillian Micheals, she's a sadistic bitch, I tell you!  (Okay, without the degrading part of the definition of sadistic...and I'm sure I'll come to appreciate her.)  I thought my legs were in pretty good shape from running.  WRONG!!!  My legs are Jell-O now!  And my arms! Those five-pound weights felt more like twenty by the end. (Mental note: go buy three pound dumbbells tomorrow.)  How am I going to run tomorrow?!?  I must stick with it!  These last few pounds just don't want to go so it's time to scare them away with Jillian!

 

 

And now it's tomorrow. . .

All day I could feel the pain!  My thighs and my shoulders progressively stiffening up through the day. . .Getting harder to stand up and sit down.  What do I do?  Go for a run!

Running on pavement instead of a treadmill is definitely different.  I can run 5k on the treadmill, but throw me outside and I'm dying after 90 seconds.  (Thankfully Color Me Rad is not a serious 5k but I still want to work my way up.)  My legs were okay but. . .

Oh sh!t!  I can't get into the sitting position, then once I do, I can barely stand back up.  Never mind going down the stairs.  Pain!  I have to pee, but how do I place my a$$ on the toilet seat?  Holy crap, I keep telling myself it will be better in the morning.  If it's not, there may be a break from any activity tomorrow.

 

P.S.  I bought the three-pound dumbbells today.

 

 

Let's Do This

Week 2, Day 1. . .166.8

Father's Day. . .uh oh!!!  We went to Five Guys (minus the kids who are both allergic to peanuts).  I was tempted to get my burger without a bun, but went ahead and had the bun since it was only my second time there (I wanted to enjoy it in its fullest).  Also, we shared a regular fry.  That was a 900 calorie lunch but I was really well behaved for the rest of the day.  I did forget to wear my Fitbit for a few hours so the calorie count may be off a little but the deficit was 71 calories.

Day 2

I did pretty good for food.  I even squeezed some cheese in as a snack (I love cheese).  I went for a run but only lasted 15 minutes.  As always, I say, even a bad run is better then no run at all.  This thought can be used for any exercise really. If a full workout is not within reason that day, just do a little bit, it's still better than nothing.   I also ended the day with a 350 calorie deficit so I am happy.

Day 3

Good food day again.  I even had room for chocolate!  Again, I repeat something I have said a hundred times in this journey. . .everything in moderation!  While watching Extreme Weight Loss tonight, I ran to the kitchen to clean during the commercials, and I did some 5-pound weights and squats while the show was on.   A little is better than zero.  (Oh, I'm so cheesy!)  I ended with a 350 calorie deficit again which is good because tomorrow I plan for bad!

Day 4

So, not only did I have pre-planned badness today, but I ate all of my food at work by 11:30 am (breakfast, lunch, snacks) and ended up getting lunch again with a co-worker (it was Pita Pit, so not the worst thing I could choose).  Then it was off to Boston Pizza to meet up with an old friend for dinner.  I ate the whole (individual) pizza when I only planned to eat half.  Ugh!  This has to be my bad day for the week. . .I must be good through Sunday. . .not going to happen. (Shhhh, don't tell anyone, 350 over for the day.)



 

Day 5

Today was great.  I resisted the sweet desserts offered at an office meeting (I'm telling you, it looked so damn good and there was such a variety).  AND I resisted the fabulous cookies offered at yet another meeting.  I wasn't snacky, I had Subway for lunch, and breakfast for dinner (it was awesome).  I delayed my run until a bit later tonight and nailed another 5K finally!  I had some cheese for a snack and that was it.  I need more days like today!!!  800 calorie deficit!!!

Day 6
Decent day, although I ate that damn cookie from yesterday!  We had pizza for dinner which probably wasn't the best idea (okay, I know it wasn't the best idea), but it was good.  I finally did a short run outside.  Actually, I did a day of Couch to 5K week 1.  Next time I will do a day of Week 2.  It helped burn those pizza calories and ended the day 150 calories under.

Day 7
It's Saturday and extra calories are easy to come by.  Today I did laundry (usually done on Sunday) and decided that I wanted to climb 50 flights of stairs so I could earn my next Fitbit badge.  See, it is motivational!  In terms of food, I didn't do great but still burned a few more calories then I ate, but not much.

Conclusion. . .166.4
I managed to have only one "bad day" this stretch.  Technically there were extra calories on a couple of other days, but I always burned extra calories so that I ended with a deficit, no matter how small.  It seems I must go for bigger deficits though by sticking to 1700 calories (or less).  I am also approaching that bloaty time so hopefully that's the reason I only lost 0.4 pounds.  I must also remind myself that my legs are getting some nice muscles from running and muscle weighs more than fat.

Rather than boring you with a day by day summary at the end of next week, I really need to get back into updating on a more regular basis.  I'm not sure how I will publish next week, but I promise I will write something. 

Time to Get Serious. . .Again

Warning!  Extreme boredom ahead.  I needed to make myself accountable again so I kept a daily record in an attempt to be accountable for my choices.  You may skip to the last paragraph for my conclusion if you don't want to read on about the day by day accomplishments and defeats.

Day 1. . .168.4

I wanted to eat constantly and I spent most of the day on the couch watching Orange is the New Black.  I did 10 minutes of dumbbells and squats while I watched. I ended the day 53 calories over.  Not the best return.

Day 2

I ate breakfast early which makes for a long food day.  I had a banana and yogurt for a snack before lunch which was left-over, thin-crust pizza, and raspberries.  There was a snack before 2, and then I struggled to make it to dinner! After dinner I went for a run (finally, it had been a week). I upped the first 15 minutes to 4.3 then stopped to tie my shoelace and accidentally put it at 4.5 for a bit before I realized and dropped to 4.4.  I lasted 30 minutes total for 2.2 miles (plus .5 mile walking). I ended the day with a 257 calorie deficit.

Day 3

Did fairly good at being good today.  Except I planned to exercise but watched the rest of Orange is the New Black, Season 2 instead.  Oops!  I still had a 228 calorie deficit so I was satisfied.

Day 4

Good for food, failed at running.  I was determined to jog for a half hour starting at a 4.3 but failed horribly.  Fourteen minutes, uhg!!!  Tried a walking break then ran again but quickly realized I was done.  This is actually driving me nuts!  I'm supposed to be able to run 5k in 38 days!  Still, a 250 calorie deficit for the day.

Day 5

My son's birthday!  Plus, a baby shower at work.  Uh-oh!  Calories for the day. . .horrifying!  Not even going to discuss it.  (Hangs head in shame). 

 

 

Day 6

Work BBQ today!  Hot dog, Pepsi Next. . .and chips.  I have no will power.  However, despite being dead set against running tonight, I decided it must happen, even a failure at running would be something, right?  No failure tonight though.  I did the full 5k at a 4.2 jog!!!  Plus a 1/2 mile walking.  Sometimes I am proud of myself.  I ended the day with a 227 calorie deficit.

 

 

Day 7

And then I screw it up!  Sh!t!!! I tried so hard to be good.  Went to a potluck for dinner.  Tried to eat all the healthy choices.  For protein I had a burger patty with no bun.  Little did I realize that the burger patty had a million calories!  Okay, not really, but more then I budgeted for.  Once it was all added up I ended 450 calories over for the day.  Uhg!

 

Conclusion. . .166.8 (1.6 pounds)

Despite my determination to be good, I had two bad days.  I normally allow myself one "bad" day a week and that one day was planned for my sons' birthday.  However I was bad again on the weekend, although, it could have been way worse.  I will keep up the day by day accountability for at least another week as I do think it helped to make myself more aware.

Failing Un-miserably

I'm failing.  Mostly by choice.  Bad choices.  I've said things like this before and I'll say it again; there are always going to be bad patches.  Just don't let those bad patches define your journey.  Remember to always work toward the good.  If it were easy then everyone would do it.

I don't have a hard time with my bad patches anymore either because I am truly happy with what I have accomplished.  Maybe I will never reach my ultimate dream of 160, but I got pretty damn close.

 

At this point I'm happy with maintenance. That means if I want a cheeseburger I will have a cheeseburger. I know I had cheeseburgers occasionally all along, but I might have a cheeseburger more often now.  It's about balance I think.  I still like to eat healthy and control portions and choose my "junk food" carefully.  And I will always need many good days to balance out the few bad days.

My biggest problem I that I just haven't felt like running.  My big-fat-unmotivated-ass is making it's return!  I always talked about doing some other kinds of exercise but if I'm not running then I'm definitely going to need to get serious about doing other exercise regularly.  Now is not really the time to quit running though...my 5K is only 6 weeks away!  Must get motivated soon!!!



Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

I wrote a letter about parting with my Fitbit Force:

 

Dear Force,

It is with great sadness that I have to say goodbye.  I lived in denial for many weeks, blaming the rash on wearing you too tight.  Telling myself everything would be okay.  However, the rash over-took both wrists and even blistered on the left, making me face the facts: You were just no good for me anymore.

While I waited for your return transportation to arrive, I spent so much time researching and deciding how to replace you.  The truth is, there is no replacement, but I reluctantly ordered a One.  This means that although I will receive $140 back for returning you, I have now wasted $100 on One.

Why is it a waste you ask?  Well, once Fitbit releases a product that can truly compare to you, my relationship with One will also end. . .only this time there will be no refund.  The $100 One will then join the dusty pile of outdated electronics on my computer desk and I will spend however-many-hundred dollars on the new product.  My relationship with One is necessary though because I truly cannot live without a Fitbit in my life.

We have had good times and bad times.  Since you arrived I have only left you at home one time, and that was because you didn't match my party dress (so sorry for that).  I will miss you greatly, Force, but I will always have the scar you left on my wrist as a reminder of our time together.   I hope you have a fabulous trip back to wherever it is that you are off to.  Know that you will be missed.



Force

One

 

So Close

I added another 1/4 mile to my run last night.  I am only a half mile away from 5K!  I am unbelievably excited about this!  I know that running outside really is going to be different though and I am actually scared of it now.  Scared?  Yes it sounds harsh, but there is no way I can go run 2.6 miles outside right now.  It will be pretty close to starting from scratch.  I need to start soon as Colour Me Rad 5K is only nine weeks away!

 

The good thing about Colour Me Rad is that it's not super serious and I'm going to want to slow down to get colour bombed anyway.  That doesn't mean that I wouldn't like to run 5K straight.  That would be the ultimate accomplishment!

 

 

 

Bad news.  Shin splint again, I think.  It's the other side this time.  I have just applied some KT Tape, and maybe it's in my head, but it feels better already.  Don't get me wrong, there is still pain, it just doesn't seem as bad.  I'm rocking some pink tape this time!  I plan to run tomorrow, so hopefully it helps.

 

I haven't weighed in recently, and I'll probably wait until next week now.  I have not been on my best behavior recently, but I am fairly confident that I can't possibly be gaining.

The Return (Again)

I know, I know. . .I don't post nearly enough but I can't tell you everything when there is nothing much to tell.

I reached a 2.35 mile jog again!  My first day back I ran for 30 minutes, but not the way I wanted to.  I had to split it into two 15's.  The next run I made the full 30.  The following run was a horrible first attempt at outdoor running!

I decided to walk/jog to my mom's because my daughter wanted to ride her bike there.  The shortest distance to get there is just under a mile.  The long way around is just over two.  Well, I quickly realized how hard it was and picked the short route.  Half way there I had an earache from the wind.  I didn't realize how windy it felt until I was out there!  We ended up getting a ride home because we stayed too long.  Let me just say that on Monday I went to the Running Room and bought a headband that covers my ears!  Not that I'll ever need it again, but I have it just-in-case.  I'm not giving up on outdoor running, I'm just gonna save it for a nicer day.

I returned to the treadmill yesterday and did a 2.35 mile jog.  It felt great to get there again.  Hopefully, I will get there again tomorrow.

I saw this post and immediately thought that it couldn't be closer to the truth.

 

This journey certainly has looked like the squiggle and it's not over yet!

(I originally published this about a week ago from my phone.  When I edited it to clean up the format a bit, it changed the date.  I do not recall that happening when I fixed up a post previously.)

 

Damage Done

It's time to get back.  Running was not possible due to the cold that I had but it really is time to get my ass in gear again.  I had stayed steady at 164 pounds until late in the week when we decided to go on an overnight trip to the US for grocery shopping.  I let all my cautions go out the window for two days and I did do some damage.  Five pounds!  How do you gain five pounds in two days?!?  You do that by eating a lot of (bad) food!  Day two (yesterday) was topped off by eating a lot more "bad" food at almost midnight so it probably wasn't a good idea to weigh myself this morning.

 

I will tell you this. . .eating that much "bad" food also leads to not feeling very well.  It's not like I ever eat "clean" but most of the time I am aware of what I am eating and limit the "bad" stuff.  I'm paying for my indiscretions with a headache and nausea.

 

I will return to running either this evening, or tomorrow, depending on how I feel.  I will aim for 30 minutes because I don't want to be set back too far.  If I don't feel well, I won't make 30, and I want to try my hardest to get there.

Running outside may soon be a possibility.  The thought of it brings on anxiety though.  I'm not sure why, other than a lot of things make me anxious.  I guess because I have to figure out the best place to go and run.  I'd like to run in the industrial area near my neighbourhood as there is not much traffic.  There are no sidewalks though and it's quite deserted in the evenings so then I worry about safety.   See, anxiety!

Out Sick Again

Okay, I figured out the constant need to eat all the time.  It's a cold.  I don't know why but when I'm getting a cold, I'm super hungry.  Maybe that's where "feed a cold, starve a fever" comes from.  

Another problem with this cold is that I have no energy (or lung capacity) to run.  I did manage a mile on Wednesday, and that was even before a cough had really developed.  Running is not happening again for a few more days at least. 

I received the best complement today and the person who said it probably wasn't even aware that it was a complement.  I was carrying a 5-gallon water jug (40 pounds) and she said "It amazes me that someone as small as you can carry that"! I'm "small". . .and strong(ish)!!!

Obstacles

The past few days I have been extremely hungry. . .or maybe I'm not hungry, but I can't stop eating.  I'm not sure what's going on.  I have tried snacking on higher protein options but still no relief (I am a protein addict and if I don't get enough I can feel it through my body).  I even caved in and ordered late night pizza!  I take comfort in knowing that it's a phase and that I am conscious of my indiscretions so I know I will never let it get out of my control.  I will not be that person ever again.  It's a bold statement, I know, but it's what I truly believe.

Something good that came from the week I wasn't running because I was sick. . .my shin splint is feeling somewhat better.  I haven't taped it again (yet), although I now own three rolls of KT Tape in different colours! (I found it on sale.) I am thinking "colourful" for Colour Me Rad!

I failed at my run again tonight.  I got a cramp in my side with about 11 minutes left and I couldn't shake it off.  I had to slow down to a brisk walk.  I was mad at myself for not finishing but I can't expect it to be "perfect" all the time.  Different days will bring different obstacle's.  I'm just in the process of making my way around a few.  I'm sure better days are ahead!

 

The Return

I was sick.  Not super sick, but sick enough to knock me down.  Gastroenteritis.  I came home from work early on Friday and slept like a rock.  There was no possible outcome that involved running.  Saturday I felt pretty good.  We even went to a friends' for an evening of self-sabotage.  Sunday I was sick again.  Lots of sleep.  Monday I went to work and survived quite well until the evening.  And yesterday, Tuesday, I finally felt decent again.  So tonight I ran.

 

After a week of not running I was worried, but figured I would push myself to run for 30 minutes, no giving up, just do it.  I'm not going to lie, it was rough at times.  When I was almost done, I decided I wasn't done.  I decided to push through to 2.35 miles again. . .and I succeeded!

 

 

I have to tell you, the last two evenings my legs were so restless!!!  Do you ever get that sort-of irritated feeling all over that can only be satisfied by moving around?  And it's so annoying!!!  I'm pretty sure it was my body saying "Hey, you!  You need to stretch these legs and go for a run!"  I never would have thought my body would tell me to run!

Bad Day/Good Day

Tonight marks my first "failure".  I hadn't been feeling well all day but I was determined to run. About 14 minutes into the running part I realized that it was time to quit.  I had been okay until the nausea kicked in.  I am disappointed and I hope that whatever this is doesn't last long and I hope that I can pick up where I left off this Friday.

My last run had been successful with adding the 1/4 mile.  Officially, I'm at 2.35 miles.  I'm getting so close I almost feel like I should just go for it.  I won't make it all the way though, so I must remain patient and make progress in small steps.

Oh!  I forgot to tell you, I bought my new runners!  I love them!  They are the same style as my old ones but a new, fabulous color.

 

I love them!!! (Oops, said that already.)  I did go up a half a size but I'm not sure that I needed to. However, I can always wear a thicker sock if I find they are too loose.  I have used them twice before tonight's abbreviated run, and need to play around with the laces to keep them snug enough while not making my toes tingly (they feel like they are sleeping while I am running).

 

One more great thing to end off with. . .164!!!  I'm sure it will waver within a pound or two, but it felt great to see it this morning!  :)

 

Feeling Good

2.1mi = 3.3796km

That's how long I can run (jog) for.  Three times I've done it now.  My next goal is 2.35 miles and my first attempt will hopefully be tomorrow.  I have previously said that it's boredom that makes me want to stop during my runs, not being tired.  I feel confident that I have the energy to make that distance, I just hope I have the attention span to accomplish it.

My schedule is a little off again.  My normal Wednesday run was preempted by taking the family to a hockey game.  Fun night; ate my favorite big, yummy (probably extremely fattening) hot dog - smothered in onions, bacon and nacho cheese!  Unfortunately, our team lost though.  Thursday night was karate for the kids so I didn't run until yesterday (Friday).  I also did yoga on my lunch break at work and my legs felt like jello all afternoon but I still ran, and I felt pretty good. 

So bad, I know!

I don't have anything else to report otherwise but I figured it was time to make an update.  It may be short but the part that I can run for 30 minutes (and not be super winded) is freaking exciting!

Deflated

There I was feeling all proud of myself that I could "run" for 25 minutes when I noticed that the Couch to 5k app says "Jog for 2.5 miles (or 25 minutes)".  2.5 miles?  I'm supposed to be at 2.5 miles?  Whoa!!!  I had been all proud of my 1.75 miles per run.L At least it has helped me to figure out a plan to get to 3.1 miles (aka 5k) for real.  I have continued on to Week 8.  Day 1 and 2 were 28 minutes each which I did without problem.  Day 3 will be 30 minutes, which was supposed to be 3 miles (not quite 5k).  After Week 8 is complete I will continue to add 0.25 miles once I am comfortable with each distance.  Once I actually achieve 3.1 miles, then I can either work on speed or possibly take it outside. 

1.75mi = 2.8164km

Taking it outside.  That is something that has never interested me before.  Now I am bored on the treadmill and that is what makes it hard to run for as long as I need to sometimes.   I know running outside will be totally different and I will need to get past my anxiety of running in "public" but I hope that a change of scenery will make it easier.   Plus. this means I can shop for some "outdoor" shoes!

I've been feeling like a may be developing a shin splint.  I have purchased some KT Tape (aka physio tape) and will likely apply it if the pain persists.  Tonights run will be the deciding factor.   This tape is the type that many of the athletes in the last summer Olympics wore for various injuries.  

I am looking forward to tonight's run.  I can't believe I am going to jog for 30 minutes again.  I never thought I would get back to that time, or at least not this quick!

 

The (Running) Week That Was

Sunday. . .Couch to 5k Week 6, Day 3. . .I ran for 22 minutes.  I told myself I could do it and then I did it!  The last three minutes were hard, but I kept going.  I really was amazed since the 20 minute run only one week prior had felt so far beyond my reach and now I had accomplished 22 minutes instead.  Next up was Week 7, Day 1. . .25 minutes.

Tuesday. . .I ran for those 25 minutes!  I gave it my all.  I turned the iPhone screen off so that I couldn't see how long I had left.  Once I did start feeling like I was (hopefully) close to the end, I turned it on and found three minutes remaining.  Those three minutes were again hard, but I did it! 

Thursday. . .Couch to 5k Week 7, Day 2 was 25 minutes again and I nailed it.  Once again I turned the screen off, but this time I didn't turn it on again.  I was so satisfied with myself!

Friday. . .Lunchtime yoga.  Oh, it was hard.  I usually have a rest day before yoga day but since my run schedule is off track, there was no rest day.  I'm not sure if I was just tired in general or if not having a rest day was the problem but I did feel super shaky.  I really need to work on my upper body strength though because even on a good day, the upper body yoga exercises are difficult for me.

Today (Saturday). . .I am sore and stiff from yoga but I need to run today as I would like to get my run schedule back to the normal days (Monday, Wednesday, Saturday).  I have run in this condition before so I am hopeful that I can do it.  If I don't make it through at least I can say I tried!!!  I am repeating myself but remember, even a bad run is better than no run at all!

Keep On Going

I forgot that Couch to 5k, Week 5 was such a bitch!!!  Day 1, three five-minute runs, good.  Day 2, two eight-minute runs, check! Day 3, one twenty-minute run?!?  I don't think so!  I ran for ten, walked for four, then ran for six.  I was originally thinking I would just stick to Day 3 for my next few runs until I could get to twenty minutes, but then I looked at Week 6 and it makes way more sense to carry on as normal.  Day 1 is broken up again into 5-8-5 minutes so I think I'm just going to continue as normal without repeating the day. 

I haven't been very disciplined at staying under 1700 calories.  I don't necessarily go very far over that amount but I must start to make a better effort at staying under.  I did lose one pound since last month so I am pleased, but I feel I could get closer to that 160 mark quicker if I can just stick closer to that goal.  My Fitbit shows that I burn more calories then I take in on most days but I would prefer to see a larger deficit.

 

I would also like to make a bigger effort to reduce my grain intake, but that's a hard one for me.  I admit it, I love my bread.  I just need to get more on top of having other options easily available to me.

Lesson Learned

My schedule is a little off track AND I was very bad on Saturday.  I had a hair appointment first thing then I worked overtime and didn't eat properly during the day.  When it came time for dinner I was non-selective.  My mom wanted to go out for dinner and when we got there, I was starved!  I ordered two appetizers for the table and soon found out that I was the only one that liked the hot spinach dip that I ordered!  My son ended up liking it too but only ate a little bit because he was more interested in the other appetizer, sweet potato fries. Then for my entrée I ordered a larger dinner than normal too and ate all of it!  Lesson learned. . .eat properly during the day!!!

So good, but so bad!

I also didn't do my run!  By the time we got home it was late and my stomach so full, there was no way to run without cramping or worse.  I normally try to eat light if I'm going to go for a run so it really wasn't going to happen.  I will go tonight. I need to get back on schedule at some point and the overtime in my future doesn't make it very easy.

Color Me Broke

Last night was the first time in the five weeks since I've returned to my journey that I missed my "run".  I'm at Week 5, Day 2, but had to postpone until tonight. You see, life gets in the way sometimes, and on the weekend one of my cats became ill and had to be taken in to the vet.  He stayed for two nights and came home Tuesday night to the tune of $1200 and an expensive special diet.  So, when the opportunity to work overtime was presented, my hand was up. "Ooh, ooh, pick me!"  Now tonight we normally have extracurricular activities but due to a parent-teacher night those activities are being skipped giving me the opportunity to get my run in.  

I haven't shared that I registered for Color Me Rad this year.  I'm super excited!  It will be my first 5k!  The reviews from last year advise that I probably won't be running the entire time due to crowding and color-bomb stations, but I really would like to do my best.  I am glad though because right now I'm saying "What was I thinking? 5k? Yeah, right!"  I was also saying that during my five-minute runs on Monday.  How the heck did I ever make it up to 30 minutes before?!?  It's all for fun so I'll try not to worry too much.