Every Now and Then I Fall Apart

24 days of awesomeness and I undid it all this weekend. It's like once I start sliding, I can't get my grip back. Tomorrow is a new day and I must get back on track.

No matter what, I know that I need to make bigger changes. I saw a picture of me from six years ago and I would have considered myself "skinny". I know I need to do more to get back there again. By more I mean that I either have to cut calories, or exercise more.

AAAAARGH!!!!!

If I try to cut calories, then I get too hungry. However, I am not motivated to exercise. 

While I don't know which step I will take next, I will continue to do my best to stay/get back on track.

So Far, So Good

I am amazed at myself and how well I did last week! I didn't fall apart on the weekend either! Today (day 8) is actually the first day I had an evening treat. It did take me beyond my goal calories for the day, but if my Fitbit is correct-ish, then I had a few extra to spare.

I lost two pounds. It seems so small, yet I know it is not. And really, if I can lose even a pound a week, all those pounds add up! Or in this case subtract!

I still haven't figured out my fitness plan, but I have started with a thirty minute walk each night for the last three days at least. Walking is the current plan really, but the details of times and frequency have to be ironed out. Really though, what's thirty minutes of the day? Just a tiny portion really. There's no reason to not fit it in most of the time.

Today is a holiday here in Canada. Canada Day to be exact. In Manitoba, that means grocery stores are closed so I was sure to get my groceries so that I had no excuses to not succeed. Planning is important. I wasn't making that a priority, so it's one more thing that I have to stay on top of. And really, with online grocery ordering for pickup, it's so easy!!!

Day 4

Day 4 was a bit “easier” than any of my previous day 4’s I believe. Day 4 is usually when the seams start to unravel a bit, but this time they held together.

This afternoon there was a thought to reach for some candy...I selected a few 3 calorie mints instead of my usual gummies. This evening I found myself looking in the fridge but I quickly told myself that I wasn’t hungry and to walk away.

I haven’t incorporated any regular exercise yet, but I don’t see that as an issue. When I first lost weight, I started mainly with food-habits alone and it worked then so hopefully taking the same path as before will lead to similar results.

Day 3

Do you know what? I will do as many day threes as it takes. I will do as many day ones that it takes.

Just because your idea doesn’t go as planned doesn’t mean you should ever give up on it. So here I am starting over again but that’s okay. 

These first three days have gone great, and I expect tomorrow to go good as well, but I do worry as we approach the weekend. The weekend is when I usually slide because I lose the daily structure that guides me. Everything becomes random. For now, I am on the right path. 

Three days of a fairly similar meal plan has kept me on track, and I grabbed some more groceries today to be sure I have enough to see me through. They did sub my veggie dip for a higher calorie one, but remember that my motto is everything in moderation so I will measure out a single serving and I will still be able to factor those extra calories into my meal plan. 

My coworker was quite entertained by my pile of Tupperware at work today, but bringing my food saves me so many calories as I am a snacker. Having good snacks on hand is important. I also picked up some low calorie extra snacks to keep at work in case I forget to bring something. Be prepared. It’s an important part of this journey.

I AM a Disaster

When I crash and burn, I do it epically. I add fuel to the fire. I make it worse then it needs to be. 

I'm willing to bet that my weight has risen. I haven't been putting on the brakes, I have been binge eating and not stopping myself. I am always hungry and that is driving me crazy.

I am very down on myself. This muffin-top, spare-tire, whatever you call it, is growing. Yet I can't seem to remember how bad I feel when I binge.

On Monday I will start again. I have started to fill my fridge with healthy foods that I have to be sure to prepare and take to work next week. Healthy snacks need to be my binge food. If I have plenty of low-calorie, healthy choices within reach then it should hopefully be easy. Work has been a big part of my downfall because I tend to eat when I am bored and we are in our "slow" season.

I am also trying to remember the types of food and eating "schedule" that helped me when I originally lost the weight because if it worked before, hopefully it can work again.

I'm a Horrible Blogger/The Same Three Pounds

I'm a Horrible Blogger

I have been meaning to post for days. . .weeks really, but I get distracted doing something else and forget. That makes me a horrible blogger.

The Same Three Pounds

I was doing good. Never great, but good. I was talking myself out of those bad (food) decisions. And then I spiralled and I gained back the three pounds I had lost. 

So I lost them again, and then I gained them again.

Monday, I weighed in at exactly the same weight as I did when I started this on April 9th. Two months wasted. I know, I shouldn't think about it this way, but I could have been eating all the crap I wanted instead of going through this lose it/gain it cycle.

I am not ready to stop trying.

I will keep going. This isn't even a re-start, it's a continuation of my journey.

Once in a While

I have been doing great!

Until today.

I fell apart today.

You know what? It happens. I am not going to beat myself up.

Sometimes I recognize that I am not going to win the battle, and it's okay. Today I chose to give in to temptation rather then make myself miserable trying to fight. Why would I do that? It's just ONE day. Tomorrow is a new one and a new chance to get back on track and continue my healthier lifestyle. 

This journey will never be over. Even if I achieve a goal weight, there will always be bad days. What matters is that on most days I win the day.

Let's Talk About Moderation

I had ice cream today.

Why? Because I believe moderation is okay. Or at least it works for me.

I have the rest of the day ahead of me, so that just means I may have to make different choices later. That may mean a salad with dinner instead of a potato, or a smaller portion of something perhaps.

I had the ice cream at home where I could control the portion. One portion.

Let's talk about moderation. It may not work for everyone, but it works for me. If I want something "naughty", I have it, but I control my portions. For example, if the nutritional information says one serving equals one cup, I only eat one cup.  

If I want chocolate, I have chocolate. . .I may just eat 1/2 of the chocolate bar or have one piece of chocolate. If I want potato chips, I eat potato chips. . .I just have one serving. The best thing I own is a digital kitchen scale, then I can measure just one serving.  Moderation is key, if I deprive myself I feel like I will eventually snap and binge.

Yes, yesterday I denied myself ice cream, but I still had to look at the rest of the day and where I was in my daily goals. I had already had some "treats" so I couldn't "afford" anymore.

For me (and probably many other people) losing weight is in my head. Right now I am winning, but every day is a struggle. Every day that I can win against myself is one step closer to reaching my goals.

Me vs Me

Have you ever had an argument with yourself? I can't be the only one. They're usually quick. A decision is made and it's over. However I just had one for about 45 minutes while I drove my son across the city and came back home by myself.

ME: I’m hungry.

ALSO ME: No, you are not.

ME: I wonder if there’s an ice cream place somewhere on my route.

ALSO ME: You don’t need ice cream.

ME: Well, there’s a Dairy Queen on the way back, maybe I could go there. No one would know.

ALSO ME: I would know!!!

ME: I wonder if that place at The Forks is still open this late.

ALSO ME: No, it’s too late, it’s either closed or getting ready to close.

ME: I could just go check.

ALSO ME: I’m totally not paying for parking to check if it’s still open.

ME: Fine, where else could I go? There’s one if I take another route home, also probably closing soon, but they only take cash.

ALSO ME: {Checks pocket for change at red light} Ha! Not enough money, you/I have foiled your idea!

ME: {Still driving home} I wonder what that new place is that I heard about, I wonder if it’s an ice cream place.

ALSO ME: That’s totally out of the way, I am not checking.

ME: BUT I burned extra calories today.

ALSO ME: Yes, but how about I go for the calorie deficit! I have been doing so well for the last few days. Deficits leads to weight loss and I want to lose weight!

So I went home. No ice cream. The reasonable me won. Phew.

I'm Still Here

Struggling.

More so then I remember from previous occasions when I have managed to take off those extra pounds.

NOT stopping.

Every day is a new day. Tomorrow is a fresh chance to start again.

DON'T GIVE UP!

I got groceries today because I seem to do my best when I have lots of choices. Or at least that worked before I fell off the food wagon.

Oh, I didn't just fall off the wagon, I'm pretty sure I set that thing on fire as well!

Currently we have been keeping up with regularly scheduled walks though. I also did one solo-walk last week, I need to do more of those. One step at a time.

Are you following me? Are you struggling too? Please, don't give up. Just try to be a better you tomorrow. 

In Progress

La, la, la, la, la, la, la!
-The fat lady singing

I wrote that on Saturday, after the Jets lost. Our season is officially over and since I don't have any teams to cheer for in the playoffs it should be easier to stay on track. See? I found the bright-side!

Anyhow, on to the post!

The weekend was not a smashing success, but that's okay. I must have consumed at least two days worth of food for Easter yesterday. The important thing to note is that it's okay to indulge occasionally. There's no reason to restrict yourself on holidays or special occasions. You just need to do your best to stay on track all of the other days and not let one day turn into twelve.

Activity wise, my cousin has been motivated by our flexible walking schedule. This week should prove to be a bit of a challenge because of us having plans on opposite days, but I think it should work out. I should add some more activity myself, but I'm not there yet. Much of my weight loss  involves mental obstacles (I think it's like that for many people), I can't even describe it. Again, I will say this. . .one step at a time. Progress is progress, no matter how small.

You Don't Have to Be Great

You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great.
- I'm sure that's a quote from someone, but I have no idea who.

Last week may not have been perfect (okay, it was far from perfect), but all that matters is that I started. It was the time that I needed to start to be aware of what I was eating and eating better when I could. It was also the time needed to assess my grocery list and get some healthier choices into my fridge and pantry.

AND I did lose 1.6 pounds so that was a win!!!

We went for another walk last night. I am very proud of my cousin/walking partner for recognizing that she needs to get active, knowing her limitations, and realizing ahead of time that she was going to be busy today so that we needed to get the walk in last night. She has also planned our next walk for Friday!!! If I can help even one person work on their goals while I work on mine, then that is great!

Who on earth starts a "diet" when their team is in the playoffs though? Me. I fought the urge to order wings during the game, mostly because I already had a treat and was still "winning" on calories burned, but next game I may have to give in!

By the way, I don't actually like referring to it as a "diet". A diet is restrictive in food choices. Diet's are also temporary. I like to call it a "healthier lifestyle", or "healthy choices", or just "being a healthier me". I am not restrictive in what I eat. I may choose not to eat something, or to eat less of something that maybe isn't all that healthy, because, to be honest, I like food too much and I feel like restricting myself would definitely lead to failure.

Baby Steps

I woke to a text from my cousin saying lets go for a walk today. I am proud of her for realizing that today was the day to do it, because tomorrow's weather looks to be less desirable to walk in. (I mentioned in a previous post that I had given us an exercise "ultimatum" of starting by Monday.) It was only a half hour, and only burned an extra 100 calories for the day, but she needs to start slow, so if that's what it takes, then that is what we will do.

Off to the Jets viewing party tonight! That means beer and pizza! Again, I do not begrudge myself for this. Tomorrow I have nothing planned therefore I can revisit my healthier habits.

Old Habits Are Hard to Break

Argh!!! I made a rash impulse decision to get some pretzel bites with cheese sauce at work last night! I have to remember to be more conscious of the decisions I make when it comes to eating. Old habits are no doubt hard to break, but I plan on breaking them.

Don't beat yourself up over bad decisions. We are used to making decisions on the fly. We have to "train" ourselves to make different choices though. Or to stop and think about our choices first.

I did have extra calories to work with yesterday. I worked the second job and made 12000 steps, and burned approximately 2600 calories so thankfully, it worked out okay. Again, even if it didn't work out, I would still need to move on. 

I will continue to work on making better choices and soon that will be the normal habit again.

Getting There

Day two was easy, but only because I worked my second job which allows me to burn extra calories. I still have to be food responsible on those days, but I did well.

Day three. . .well that was a pre-planned birthday dinner at the Keg so I already knew that was going to be "bad". I have always been okay with those kind of days. If you never allow yourself some enjoyment, you will eventually find it too hard to keep up with your weight-loss plan. So balance the "bad" with more good and it will be okay.

I have started laying out some plans for losing this weight. First, exercise. My walking buddy is a bit more out of shape then I so she asked to start small. I set out an "ultimatum" for us though. We start with a minimum 30 minutes by Monday. She agreed!

I need to do this. I need to be in the right place to do it. I really hope I am.

It's Been a Long Time

Well, well, well. . .it seems I am back here again. Once again hoping for a new day one. I seem to do better when I talk to myself in here so I realized I should come back.  I have hosted many weight-loss challenges over the last two years, but all I have done is yo-yo with each challenge. I am thinking that I do my best on my own.

I stepped on the scale this morning. . .196.4. Too close to 200 for my comfort.

I tracked my food today, it's a start. I didn't meet my calorie goal, but I didn't go over my calories burned, so that's a start.

20 pounds. 176.4.  That's not a lot to ask of myself. I have to remind myself that I am capable of achieving this.

Do you believe weight-loss is mental? I do. And my attitude switched back to the I don't care attitude for a while now and I don't know why. I need to care, I need to take care of me.

Hopefully I will be back here soon to tell myself that I am doing a good job working on my goal.