Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Guilt

I am feeling guilty to the point that I could let the tears escape if I wanted to. 

Yesterday wasn't my best day.  My daily goal is a 250 calorie deficit.  I ended with a 30 calorie deficit and a plan to be good until Saturday.  Today I planned a large, Greek salad lunch, with plenty of veggies to keep me full all afternoon.  It was a success.  However, I let the work stress get to me, as much as I have been trying not to let it get to me. 
 
My Mom wanted to go to our favorite burger and fry place for dinner and I said yes.  Then I ate the burger and fries.  My Dad passed away six years ago and I know my Mom is lonely as my sister moved away, my Mom's brother moved away, and my Grandmother is in a personal care home and has dementia.  She has friends but doesn't socialize as often as I would like her to so I don't like saying no (I do sometimes).  The restaurant is a local favorite and totally worth the extra calories but I still feel guilty for eating my feelings.

Why would I cry about eating?

I should be stronger, I should be able to go out to eat and choose to eat healthy.  I am a grown woman and I am perfectly capable of choosing properly.  I don't even want to say I'm weak as that is a poor excuse for the choices I made.  The fact is that I made the choice, I have to live with the choice.  Maybe the guilt will push me to make the right choice next time.  I can't let it define me.  I need to build from it.  I need to use it to make me stronger.
 
 
And I just realized that this blog is my therapy!
 
As I typed through that last paragraph my personal sadness became anger.  It was kind of a strange feeling actually.  I'm angry at myself for making the bad choices.  And I should be.  I should be stronger, I can make better choices, I must make better choices!  I am capable of saying no. . .to myself!
 
And I am reminded. . .
 
 


Monday, November 24, 2014

Zero Progress

Despite being better then I had planned last week, progress was zero.  It is possible that my results are effected by PMS so I can only hope to see results next week. . .presuming I can control the eating part.

Last week the planned lunch date was cancelled, and the hockey game hot dog was balanced off with a great rest-of-the-day, so it turned out pretty well.  I still had my planned "bad" Friday dinner plans, and I was bad.  Other then that the food cravings (or wanting) wasn't there.  Today has been a different story which again leads to possible PMS.  I'm not craving, just continually hungry.  I'm going to take extra fruit and veggies to work tomorrow to compensate as I can't afford another day like today.

I can't believe December is just around the corner. With December comes all the Christmas goodies and gatherings.
 
 
The first gathering is this Saturday (not quite December), a lunch, which will be my planned "bad" day for this week (again, PMS is creeping in so hopefully it's the only bad one).  Next week is a work lunch, the week after is two work lunches!  Two? How is that to work when I only have one bad day?!?  One of the two lunches is a buffet (horror!) and the other is pizza. Ugh!  

Our regular work baker says she's not baking this year but I only half believe her, and the other semi-regular baker had surgery and I'm not sure she'll be back soon.  I'm hoping that I will be able to resist the other various treats that appear as I have been fairly successful during the last two Christmas seasons.  I admit it now though, I would not be able to resist a Nanaimo bar!  That treat I will allow!
 
 

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Signs (of Temptation)

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign. . .a sign for a Mushroom Mozzarella Burger, a sign for a Portabella Mushroom Melt, a sign for something that looks delightfully sinful.  The thought flutters through my mind, I could go through the drive-thru and get something and no one would know.  I would know.  And the thought passes and I'm not even disappointed.
 
My Tuesday lunch plans were cancelled due to meetings at work.  I still grabbed lunch at the mall food court across the street, but made a fairly good choice of a (fabulous) pita.  One less "bad" day to compensate for, yay!  The work meeting I attended has potential to invoke a whole lot of stress.  I'm trying to take it in stride but I am worried about my ability to keep the stress under control.  Hopefully my renewed commitment is stronger than the cravings.

 
 
 
I am still not motivated to add exercise back into my schedule.  I know it would make a tremendous difference on my hip pain and joint stiffness but somehow I just can't get my ass in gear.  I will remain happy without exercise though as long as I can keep my eating in check but eventually I do hope to get some added back to my routine.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Ready? Possibly

I think I really was ready again.  I know it hasn't been quite a week since I thought I was ready so how could I know, but I have been completely in control.  I don't know yet if I will see results, and I may not.  We had a fabulous work Christmas party yesterday and I went into the day knowing full well that it would be bad, mostly due to the alcohol that I intended on consuming!

This coming week will prove to be a bit more challenging.  I have a lunch "date" on Tuesday, a hockey game (which will involve a delightfully sinful hot dog) on Thursday, and then a dinner "date" on Friday.  Tuesday and Thursday should be fairly easy to balance but Friday will be my bad day.  I always allow myself one bad day so I am still feeling quite positive about this coming week.


I do suppose that the past work week was non-stressful, which was helpful.  The real challenge will be when the stress level picks back up. . .and I hope that's a long way away. (I can dream, can't I?)


Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Another Day One

And here I am again.  Feeling guilty for weeks but not willing to commit.  Making bad choices and not caring, thinking I will care another day.  

I realized I was in serious trouble when I started eating chips right out of the bag.  If you don't know my habits, one of my big ones is that if I'm going to eat junk it is measured into one serving and that is all I eat.  So when I found myself eating out of the bag, I knew I was in trouble.  It ended last night by ordering and eating a small pizza all by myself.

So I decided, today was another Day One.

I can't say yet if it will last.  I know at this moment that I really want it to.  I have had so much trouble with stress eating due to work that I can't say that I won't immediately fall off the wagon.  However, right now, today, I am choosing to have another Day One and I will have as many Day One's as it takes to get back on track.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Another Detour

Last week was pretty good.  This week, not so much!  It's a reminder of how hard it can be to start a weight loss journey.  

It's so easy for people to judge another person for being overweight but they don't realize what actually losing weight requires.  If you're not mentally in the game then it's far easier said than done.  

My biggest peeve, and maybe I have said it before, is people who used to be overweight themselves looking down on someone who is overweight now.  Maybe their own weight loss journey was easier, or maybe they forget how long it took them, and maybe they forget that they had some struggles along the way.  It's not easy.  If it was easy then there would be far less overweight people.  It has huge mental involvement, and just because they did it doesn't mean the next person is ready to tackle the same challenges that they did.

Okay, that was an unplanned rant!  I only hope that I can find a better mental place soon so that I can continue my journey.  I may be stalled but I want to go forward and not slide backwards down that hill.
 
 

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Damage, Redone

I have failed you!  I have failed me!  I fed the stress, I fed it a lot!  The sad part is that I had the will power to not feed the stress but I made the choice to feed it anyway.  Yes, it made me feel better for that moment, but it did not solve the problem.  The result, I'm right back where I started three weeks ago.

I continue on this downward spiral and I fully understand the emotional connection people have to food.  

Once upon a time. . .just kidding! My previous job was extremely stressful and I ate ALOT.  When I started my new job four years ago, it was far less stressful and for probably the first time, I could leave work smiling.  After a while I decided it was time to lose weight and I did it because I had the time to dedicate to eating properly and less stress resulting in less comfort eating.  Then I switched to a new position and initially I struggled with my eating habits.  I was stressed, I had no time to eat regularly while I was at work, so I went through a bad period.  Things settled as I learned my new job, and I was able to continue my journey.  Now the stress has hit the fan. Despite my best effort to try to stay "relaxed" as soon as my stresser shows up I find myself in a very bad place again and it's happening every day lately!  I eat!  And I eat more!  
 
So once again I am approaching Monday and planning on conquering the week.  I plan to eat well and maybe even start exercising again. . .I believe this week we will finally be getting back into our regular routines so hopefully that can lead to some normalcy.  I wish me luck!!!